Some Hilarious Mid-Season Hockey Stories

by Dr.Joey Only

ILLYA KOVULCHUCK SUCKS SO MUCH WOOKIE

The most hilarious hockey story of all midway through the season starts and ends with the signing of Ilya Kovulchuck.  Last summer there were people writing blogs on Mapleleafs.com fanzone saying that the Leafs really should consider signing this guy, but it was obvious that spending a $100million on a player was nowhere close to the philosophy of Brian Burke.  It’s not funny enough that New Jersey is in last place in the entire NHL, it’s not funny enough that Kovulchuck only has 10 goals and 23 points midway through the season…the real humor for me is seeing him at -29,  the worst +/- stats in the entire league.  The funniest part is that spending $100 million on this arrogant wash-up has potentially destroyed what was an amazing NHL franchise for a long time to come.  They can’t tank his salary in the minors, the Devils will look poorer than the poor Phoenix Coyotes.  Number One candidate for NHL Goat Player of the Century is undoubtedly Ilya Kovulchuck…this is why you never spend $100 million in the salary cap era on a guy and commit to having him on your team for the next 12 years.

His contract represents everything that is wrong with professional sports.  Kovulchuck held the NHL GM’s off saying he’d sign in the Russian KHL pitting these highly competitive ownerships against each other until one of them cracked and offered him as the ‘best free agent’ available the most ludicrous contract in history.  Hello to the New Jersey management, you’ll never trade that contract!  The whole signing destroyed the motivation, good sense and team spirit the New Jersey Devils had since 1995…a dynasty destroyed!!  They should have called his bluff and let him go to Russia for the rest of history if he refused to sign a contract that a normal player would sign rather than risk everything they have worked for.

But don’t feel too bad about having the worst plus/minus on your team, or in the league for that matter…your entire team is a minus so cold it reminds me of the wind chill Whitehorse had last night, where your skin freezes in less than 2 minutes.  Andy Greene -23, Tallinder -22, Zubrus -18, and even the greatest goalie of all time must be considering retirement by now.

What helps make Sidney Crosby one of the best players in the world now is that he signed a contract with his team that allowed them cap space to build a winner.  Kovulchuck only cared about himself hoping he’d be laughing to the bank…instead…he’ll be laughing all the way to the bank in between visits to his high priced therapist.  He’ll have to pay top dollar to find a therapist who won’t give him the best advice anyone could give this guy, fill your bathtub up with warm water and get in it while you slit your wrists and make drop as many toasters as you can squeeze in with you.  Do as all a favor Illya and go back to the hell you came from.

DON’T WORRY, THE ISLANDERS SUCK TOO AND THE RANGERS WILL ALWAYS DESERVE TO LOSE SO LONG AS AVERY BREATHES WITHOUT THE HELP OF A TUBE

What do the Islanders have in common with the Devils?  They also signed an over-rated player to a lifetime deal in the form of Rick Dipietro…they are committed for years to come with a huge ammount of money locked up in a guy who just can’t deliver.  As I say it the Islanders might as well just fold and move to Winnipeg because even with Tavares and his 15 goals this team isn’t going anywhere for a long time to come.

I never expected John Tavares to be a -18 either.  Meanwhile James Wisnewski compared closely at -18 as well, he was traded to the Canadiens whose fans hail the trade as a miracle move that’s gonna help turn things around.  Now he does have 7 points in 7 games since going to Montreal, but let’s be honest…Wisnewski has no business calling Sean Avery a cocksucker when his +/- sucks wookie.

Sean Avery’s two goals must really inflate his ego, it must really give him the right to be the most arrogant rat fink in the history of modern hockey.  If Sean Avery behaved the way he does now back in the 1970’s it’s safe to say someone like cheap shot artist Bobby Clarke would take his ankles off with the slash from hell.  If Sean Avery behaved the way he does now in the 1950’s Maurice Richard might have beat him down twice on the ice and again in the penalty box.  That was probably the only time I ever really enjoyed seeing Sean Avery’s face was when he appeared in the movie the Rocket and got his ass royally kicked by the greatest hockey player of all time.

That’s what instant replays do, they protect Sean Avery.  You can’t give a guy a career ending cheap shot when the ref wasn’t looking like you used to, everything is scrutinized today.  The only way to destroy Sean Avery is probably voodoo cause he runs too fast every time someone wants to stand up to him.

IT’S GREAT TO SEE THE SENATORS WHERE THEY BELONG

That is behind the Maple Leafs in the standings, the team who handed them four playoff defeats.  What a great move it was to sign Alex Kovalev!  Montreal did the right thing by ignoring their often ignorant fans and letting this big fish go…I’d love to spend $7 million on a lackluster player who doesn’t try, is -10 with 18 points half way through the season and then has the gall to say on TV, ‘I don’t know why they make me the scapegoat, they been doing that my entire career.’

The difference between Alex Kovalev and Sean Avery is at least Sean Avery tries.  Kovalev looks old and so does Alfredson who can no longer outskate the boo’s Leafs fans throw at him.  Whatever he is now Daniel will always be remembered as the greatest Ottawa Senator who lost the Stanley Cup in five games.  It’s not like Ottawa is really missing Dany Heatly, he’s not doing so hot…but it’s too bad they got Jordan Cheechoo in return.  He’s back playing hockey on the frozen surface of Hudson Bay where he scored 50 goals this year on some 8 year old kids he’s mentoring.  Ottawa’s +/- looks like the weather up there in the Arctic where it’s warmer than the reception they are getting on the local talk radio.

The first mistake Ottawa made was putting their arena so far west of Ottawa that they might as well be in Smiths Falls..the second mistake Ottawa historically made playing one game in the NHL.  They look flat these days like the Calgary Flames they are playing tonight.  What a nail biter this game is.

SUTTERS BIG PLAN WAS TO TAKE ALL OF TORONTO’S TRASH AND TRY TO MAKE THEM UN-SUCK!

If I were a GM the last thing I would do is make a deal with what was the worst team in the NHL for a whole bunch of their players and then expect that it will catapult your team into the Stanley Cup.  I wouldn’t go and make a seven player deal with New Jersey if I were Vancouver right now, that’s for sure.  Sutter built an amazing team and then slowly went to work dismantling it in reverse until it totally resembled the team he inherited in 2002.  But he wasn’t the only GM to do something as stupid as this, just look at Anaheim’s big aquisition of Jason Blake, his 15 points are really helping them right now I can tell you that much!

LOTS OF GOATS TO GO AROUND!

But you never know, you take a chance on a player…who would have guessed that Andrew Raycroft would be winning games for the Dallas Stars?  The one thing that former Leaf Kyle Wellwood has that Andrew Raycroft doesn’t in making a comeback is a ponch for a gut!

And speaking of overweight players,  I would have guessed the Ovechkin would have to suck up his ego for a little while cause he can’t walk around like he’s king shit of the universe.  Ovechkin scored a couple hundred goals simply by distracting goalies with his ridiculously colored yellow skate laces, now that goalie coaches have instructed their players on how to ignore these eye sores Ovi’s having a lot more trouble finding a hole in the net.

Joe Thornton -14, Patrick Marleau -19?  I take it back, Dany Heatly isn’t having that bad of a season after all.  His 39 points and -3 make him look like a superstar in comparison to his under-achieving team.  Some teams get so used to winning all the time that they must just stop trying.  Maybe that’s why the Sharks have never had real playoff success. I wouldn’t have guessed the Kris Letang would be outscoring Evgeni Malkin…but I wouldn’t have guessed Martin Broduer would be the worst goalie in the league this year either.  I’m laughing myself silly at the thought of an All-Star game excluding Henrik Zetterberg for any reason, and how did Phil Kessel make this years selection and Michael Grabovski did not.  Grabbo’s stats are better than Phil’s in every category and his line has been the Leafs number 1 through most of the season, but Kessel has one more goal and someone must’ve thought it to be a huge one.  It goes to prove that All-Star games and Olympic teams don’t always have the best players available on the ice, politics has as much to do with how the teams are assembled as does skill on the ice.

There’s a lot to laugh at in the NHL halfway through the season.  I’ve learned how to laugh at professional NHL players, laugh hard and laugh often.  It’s been a self defence mechanism I learned from a lifetime of being a hardcore Leafs fan!