What Not To Do In The Wilderness

People do lots of dumb things in the bush.  Sometimes a guy put his tent at the base of a giant cliff which they thought was so astounding, only to have a giant boulder crush him and his daughter in the middle of the night.  Some people drown and freeze and trigger avalanches and get killed by beavers (that actually happened last year in the Ukraine).  But some people survive and unfortunately for them, their stories are too funny to forget.

Tod Rebel and I went on a four day mountain hike a few years ago and shared many stories between while camped up in the alpine.  He told me of his friend who flies helicopters out to the Chilcotin and how we had been hired by two expert Japanese mountaineers.  Tod really emphasized the description as EXPERT level climbers and proceeded to add how they had all the gear and had been on many of the worlds bg mountains.  So this pilot dropped them off out in the middle of nowhere and to their luck made a pass around the mountains before heading home to Williams Lake.

It had only been a couple of minutes when he came back over them and had a look downward.  To his astonishment one of the expert Japanese mountaineers seemed to be flailing around on the ground wildly.  He brought the chopper in closer to have a better look and now he could see that something was really wrong.  The other fellow seemed to be in a full out panic while this expert mountaineer could be clearly seen to be in distress.  So he landed the chopper and tried his best to get an explanation through the screaming and panic.

It turned out that when the got out of the chopper the first thing they did was apply their bug repellent, and the second thing they began to do was apply their bear repellent.  You do me, I’ll do you.

But if you think that’s stupid how about those German’s that were lost near Whistler for a few days.  They were found with their pants frozen stiff with piss and full of shit.  It turns out that someone told them that if they were lost out in the mountains ever it would be a smart idea to defecate in their own clothing.  The theory was that the warmth of the piss and shit would be beneficial, which I’m sure it was momentarily.  What I can’t figure out is why they continued to do so after it became obvious that it’s not that warm and having pants full of shit sucks.

It’s funny how someone might believe any old thing they are told.  Someone told an uncle of mine once that if you don’t have salt then piss might be a good way to get leeches to let go.  So eventually my uncle comes out of the lake and has a great big leech on his foot, so he whipped it out and started to piss on his foot.  Unfortunately for him some women unexpectedly came over the knoll and saw this bizarre man actively trying to piss on his own foot.  Nothing he yelled in explanation seemed to stop them from running the other direction.

You just can’t believe everything people tell you.


About joeyonly

Dr.Joey Only will knock you out...and do it with country music!!! HIYAAAAAA!! View all posts by joeyonly

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