In the wake of former Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke’s lawsuit against a 20 year old student for defamation I figured I better chime in a few words. Carleton University Student Zack Bradley posted on his wordpress.com BlogSpot that Burke may have had an affair with, and fathered the child, of Sportsnet reporter Hazel Mae…who happens to look a lot like Wayne’s World hottie Tia Carrere! Nobody would want to sleep with a woman that looks like that!
Brian Burke denied these allegations saying they were not true, and of course they weren’t. The truth is much weirder! It dates back to 1976 when Brian Burke was first abducted by aliens from the planet Krypton to be reunited with his father. Then he was taken to a secret rebel base which was nearly destroyed by the intergalactic Death Star. Fortunately at the last minute Brian Burke and his sidekick Chewie created a diversion so the Death Star could be destroyed. But from that point on he was pursued mercilessly by Lord Vader and by a giant space slug on a desert planet who later placed him on display as a trophy…that was until his real mistress came to rescue him. Together Brian Burke and Princess Leia roamed the galaxy looking for stranger and stranger aliens to have often violent orgies with…that was until the Empire tracked him down forcing him to return to earth in exile to eek out a simple living as a top executive in a little known sports league called the NHL.
But even to this day Burke is visited by alien spacemen who take part in pleasuring him with tentacles and mandibles and space slime, inflatable Ewoks, triple titties and all forms of intergalactic perversion. Building good hockey teams and winning the Stanley Cup were really Brian Burke’s way of deflecting attention away from his universal lust for alien lovers! I know Brian Burke may sue me for releasing this information that he gave to me in confidence, but I have no choice because the allegations regarding him and Hazel Mae are not true…despite the fact that she is from an alien world. Brian prefers his alien women to be green, in fact that was his idea to have a green woman in Star Trek!
If I am sued for this much, at least I will have my picture in the Toronto Star and a great hockey executive will remember my name for a year or two. (Why don’t you call me any more Brian, I love you so deeply!?!?!) Need more proof of my claims? Only someone from another universe could have turned this Maple Leafs team around! Regardless of Burke being fired or the real nature of his secret outer space affairs Leafs nation owes him a debt of gratitude.