Happy One Millionth Birthday Spider


Warren Spider Hastings

An old friend from Belleville Ontario reminded me tonight that this was in fact Warren Spider Hastings death day four years ago.  Well, not yet for me because I am in the Pacific Time Zone, but for where he is tonight in Ontario he is already correct.  Spider was supposedly born on July 12th 1936 and died Feb 14th 2009.  I know for a fact that he is the punk rock messiah whose legend has no beginning and no end.  Today is actually Spider’s one millionth birthday.

If you didn’t know who Spider was I wouldn’t tell anyone, I’d just go to the YouTube link above and watch the Restarts video called Pied Piper of Punk Rock.  You might get the impression that Spider was this really old and loud and tall and gay and outspoken cunt that nagged and bitched at us kids to quit smoking cigarettes and try sucking on weiners.  He was all that and much more. Although he never really convinced me that I should try having sex really old men, I still think he was possibly the punk rock equivelant to Ron Jeremy.  If ever I was to turn my back on my sexuality Spider would have been the perfect role model for pornographic perfection.

His legendary back woods parties were only overshadowed by his tremendous character and sexual nature.  He was an old bastard complaining of gout six winter-beers into a night he’d pretend he couldn’t remember, one step ahead of the wankers and one punch line ahead of the humorless conservatives.  He was a grandfather to us and could not live forever, four years ago the news began to circle around that Elton had found him sitting peacefully with his cock in his hand.  He refused further treatment and decided he’d partied hard enough for one lifetime.

A few days later we all gathered in Belleville for the funeral, some of us having crossed the country to be there.  An Irish priest pretended to relate to deliberately hung over crowd.  At the scummiest bar in Bellevegas we partied as Punchdrunk and Dirty Bird and Murder Squad and probably Fucknuckles (but I’m not sure for lack of focus due to the numerous cases of beer consumed).  It was the most amazing hard core funeral of all fuckin time.  I wish I was to be with all my Spiderland brethren this weekend, though Spider and his Punkfest are gone..many of us remain.  I love Spider and I love you all tonight…cheers to the old man…joe


About joeyonly

Dr.Joey Only will knock you out...and do it with country music!!! HIYAAAAAA!! View all posts by joeyonly

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