Facebookin All Those People You Knew From Grade 2

Yeah, back then they all teased me and picked on me and called me named and some of them tried to beat me up…and a couple actually succeeded. I was nothing to them and nobody.

So I said, ‘you will all see. I’m gonna grow up and become a musician or an actor or something…and everyone in the country will adore me, but not you…you will all feel shame because of the way you treated me. And when you have cancer and will lose your house because you can’t make your mortgage payment during chemotherapy you will be ruined…and I will have millions of dollars and I’ll hear about how miserable your lives all are…and I will laugh and laugh and laugh as they give me trophies. At my acceptance speech I’ll say ‘to all you trolls who spat at me in school, I just want to rub it in my face that I’m awesome now and you have a fat wife and rotten kids who hate you and do whatever you want!”

Yeah, I dream about those days.

But it got so much easier when I finally succumbed to the international social pressure to have a facebook. I said that I would never get a facebook. But then people told me that they wouldn’t talk to me anymore until I got one…and why shouldn’t I have a facebook, I am a musician with fans all across the country! I played a thousand shows around Canada and I am proud of what my music has done for me.

So I never made a million bucks, but I made $3000 once at a New Years Eve gig at Vancouver’s Cambie Pub. I never had a Juno award let alone the Oscar I feel I should have got for my documentary, but I did get nominated for a CBC Radio Award for MOST CANADIAN SONG! Eh, eh! Plus I was on the Earshot Radio Charts for weeks at the top, that’s charting for all campus radio across Canada…which isn’t exactly 594 plays a week on Classic Country but it’s better than having a jack hammer hit you in the nutsack!

I did all this, I was so proud of myself…and then I decided to track down all the people from public school and to finally show off to them. I would prove to them once and for all what my mettle was made of…I have done everything I wanted to, except just not as big and bad ass! I was gonna show of to all those pricks who who picked on me and laughed at me. I would laugh at their boring lives and ugly wives and stupid lookin kids they are saddled with while I get to run and do pretty much whatever I want. I thought this would be great…now I can rub it in their faces that I grew up to be cool and they hate their jobs.

So then I dug up all the names of people from school and systematically friend requested them all to be my friends…some of them accepted. But most of them said, huh, figures that no big label ever signed you and you are just playing in bars and dives…maybe you should take a dive behind bars!’

“Once a loser, always a loser..enjoy your try hard music career!”

They just didn’t see it the way I did. I guess I was no Justin Beiber when I was 16…not that I would like to sing songs as cheap and cheesy as he does…still…he’s 16 and he’s got the whole word in his hands..and I’m 32 and still begging for someone to sign me to their label so I can facebook all those people who hated me in school and show them once and for all…See guys, I’m cool..you really just misunderstood shat I am all about.

I’ll just keep biding my time till then, till the day comes where I can finally be cool with the kids from school! This is part of my trauma, it’s one of the things I have to undo from my youth…one of my great failures in life, until I can prove to my kindergarten peers that they should hit the LIKE button on my bands page I’ll never put the past behind me. I’ll never get over things like how even my teachers thought I as asshole. I almost wish facebook was never created now, it was easier to skip the school reunions…and for the ones I did go to I was able to get a fake wife (cause I was single back then)…I just paid a pornstar to hang off my arms. But now I don’t even have to hire a limo to go to my reunion and pretend that I made it rich…because online I can lie. That’s what I am reduced to…so now those kids from school went on to my facebook and read about how I made my millions when I invented facebook and google earth. I thought I finally had them once and for all!

That’s when the first bully from back then and wrote me and said, ‘ha, now you’re a computer geek…what a fuckin loser you became…So glad I kicked your ass back then!’

That’s when I realized I’ll never be good enough and began to research homegrown terrorist cells I could infiltrate. I’ll do anything, learn Arabic even…then I’ll have my revenge when I hijack a plane and fly it straight into my next high school reunion.’

But I already know what they’ll say…that Joey was such a loser…he couldn’t even fly his plane properly. It’s great that he died but too bad he had to take out so many children….’ cause I got the date mixed up and instead of hitting my high school reunion I will likely have crashed right into the childrens FUN FAIR NIGHT! The only thing I can do to rationalize my way out of that is knowing that those kids are probably all mean to one kid the way they were all mean to me! That’s why I kids are worth it to destroy! I will save them the fifty years of agony as they relive their childhoods, their painful awful childhoods!!


About joeyonly

Dr.Joey Only will knock you out...and do it with country music!!! HIYAAAAAA!! View all posts by joeyonly

2 responses to “Facebookin All Those People You Knew From Grade 2

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