Ralph Kleins Very Bad Time

Here is a short story I wrote in 2001 about Ralph Klein, the premier of Alberta at the time.  He was a right wing redneck who will always be remembered for the night he stormed into a homeless shelter while totally pissed and began to yell at everyone to ‘get a job’…he was obviously oblivious to the fact that unemployment is impossible to defeat, he is the cause to a certain degree of the poverty in that province…AND that his own job is a parasitic position gifted to him by the people of the province, it was not a heavenly decree it was a democratic accident.



One evening Alberta premier Ralph Klein was wandering the streets alone, yelling at the homeless and being a bigot in a suit when he got his balls caught on a rusty old nail!!!!  Just a few minutes before that he was so proud of himself while stammering around in a drunken haze cursing at the less fortunate to go and get jobs.

People had often said to him things like,”Ralph you are a good man for our economy,” and people also said things like, “Ralph, you are a drunk and you have really big balls.”

Now Ralph had found his balls to be a liability, not something to be proud of but something that was stuck on a rusty nail in a painful and terrible place to be.  Right at the corner of 7th and Center in downtown Calgary.  C-Trains drove by full of passengers who looked out the window and said, ‘hey look, that’s Ralph Klein!’

‘Yeah, and isn’t that his balls caught on a rusty nail?’

Ralph needed someone to help him get out of this situation, the first person to come along was a homeless person who happened to be carrying a tennis racket.

‘Hey you, homeless man!  Can you help me?  I seem to have gotten my balls caught on this rusty nail!’

The homeless man agreed to help with what he had.  So he took the tennis racket and attempted to whack Ralph Kleins balls off.  He took careful aim, would up, swung, followed through and smashed Ralph Klein right in the teeth!

“I have always wanted to do that,” he said,” I could care less if your balls are caught on a rusty nail.”

Poor Ralphy! His balls were still caught on a rusty nail and he was bleeding from the mouth.  But sooner another came and another behind him.  The first was a welfare recipient with a crowbar and behind him a mechanic with a blow torch.  The welfare recipient had been braking into cars to steal their stereos as Ralph had cut funds to welfare so much basically couldn’t feed themselves and now a great many of them relied on braking into cars and eating their stereos.

“Can you help me,” Ralph Klein pleaded, “I got my balls caught on this rusty nail here and I can’t GET OFF!”

Well, the mechanic surveyed the situation.  The welfare recipient imagined flame broiled balls, he was so hungry he would eat just about anything.  The mechanic said, “well, it seems like your balls are caught on that there rusty nail…so, what’s I’m going to do is get Billy here to take his crowbar and pry your balls while I set them on fire with my blow torch…now I am a registered mechanic so I will have to charge you heavily for my service, $60 an hour of course.”

“Just get my balls off this rusty nail you fool, don’t you know who I am?”

The welfare recipient said ‘you better pay me something too.’

Ralph said, ‘I’ll pay you, but you’ll have to report it on your welfare stub and it will have to come off your cheque.’

“On second thought, I don’t feel like working for money, at least not for an asshole like you!”

Then the welfare bum found it easier than taking candy from a baby in agony cause it’s balls are snared on a rusty nail, he reached around and pick pocketed Ralph Kleins wallet and ran away.

“He took my wallet,” Ralph howled.

“Well, I guess you don’t have any money then,” the mechanic said, “which means I can’t help.”

With that they walked away and left Ralph Klein on the dark empty streets alone, late at night when nobdo dared to around Calgary alone.  Ralph ended up being stuck their all night, and the next night too.  Pretty soon he had to announce his resignation because he could get his balls off that…and attached to the nail was an oil rig.

Ralph had to walk around dragging that oil rig behind him everywhere he went looking for the man who stole his wallet so he could pay a mechanic to separate his balls from the oil rig..it was heavy and made his balls swell up…Now they were the biggest his balls had ever been, four centimeters wide.  Pretty soon he needed a tetnis shot and doctors found that removing the oil rig from his balls would do more damage then it would good…soon they were forced to remove his entire set off balls.

Once his balls were gone he had more in common with other Tory politicians and became Stephen Harpers right hand woman.


About joeyonly

Dr.Joey Only will knock you out...and do it with country music!!! HIYAAAAAA!! View all posts by joeyonly

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