Gretzky, Satan and the Emergence of an Alternative Reality

It may be difficult for people to believe but the Toronto Maple Leafs won the 1993 Stanley Cup in an alternative dimension.  History as we now know it has been distorted by some sort of ‘Star Trek-like’ temporal phenomenon.  It is us in this dimension which has veered off the course of earth’s proper history and for the worse.  I am not sure if it is possible now to go back and normalize things, instead we can simply take comfort knowing that the Toronto Maple Leafs somehow, somewhere have captured an NHL championship since 1967 and in all likely-hood will do so again.

I have several theories as to how this might have happened and when.  Much of it has to do with Satan and his powerful demonic minion named Harold Ballard.  Harold Ballard was never supposed to live as long as he did, in the true reality Ballard not only died much younger than he did but was never able to have majority ownership of the Toronto Maple Leafs.  It was Satan himself that created this monster laughing all the way as hockey’s greatest team melted down into obscurity with 25 years of terrible hockey.

It is a little known secret that the former owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs was supposed to have been murdered, in the true history of the earth this happened when former Leafs Captain Davey Keon became enraged tearing into Ballards neck/jugular with his bare teeth in a passionate and dramatic murder.  In the proper history of earth Keon was found not guilty for the murder as the jury understood why this man Harold Ballard should have to die, he was an evil bastard through and through.  Not only was Harold Ballard supposed to have been killed, he never would have been majority owner of the Leafs with the power to suck the fun out of hockey for all of Ontario’s sports fans.  Because of Satan, Harold Ballard lived and history as we know it veered into this unknown reality.

How could this happen?  Ballards murder was prevented when Satan himself visited him in the underworld of Maple Leaf Gardens and warned him of the impending murder attempt, Ballard made sure to rid the Maple Leafs of Keon once and for all removing him from the team.  Keon was never again close enough to Ballard to kill him, Satan and his minions rejoiced for with Harold Ballard alive evil was able to thrive in the NHL for a very long time! It was during this dark age of hockey that other bizarre phenomenon were able to take place, such as the emergence of the World Hockey Association.

When Harold Ballard finaly died in 1990 the next most evil person under Satan’s control in the NHL was Wayne Gretzky as Gary Bettman had not yet come to power.  Using Satan’s power Gretzky was able to rake in millions of dollars while convincing children to eat McDonalds food, convincing men to buy Ford trucks and even worse…he was able to single handedly defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in the 1993 Stanley Cup Conference Final and prevent the most sacred of all hockey finishes.  The Lord himself desired the righteous Maple Leafs to face off against the Montreal Canadiens one last time for the Stanley Cup.

In those days Montreal and Toronto were in different conferences for the last time making it impossible for those two teams to ever face off in a Stanley Cup final again.  1993 was the 100th anniversary of Lord Stanley’s trophy and the last Stanley Cup Final to have been played in the Montreal Forum.  If not for Wayne Gretzky (and Satan) it would have also been the last Stanley Cup final to happen at Maple Leaf Gardens.  Thank goodness the Montreal Canadiens were able to defeat the dark lord’s plan by winning the series against the Los Angelas Kings 4-1, in a last desperate move Satan’s power came over unruly mobs and a riot broke out…but that’s another story.

Had it not have been for Wayne Gretzky the Stanley Cup would have featured the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Montreal Canadiens.  That was the highest scoring season in the history of the NHL, only two teams (Toronto and Chicago) allowed less than three goals a game.  It was Toronto’s year in all sports as this was at the same time that the Toronto Blue Jays were repeating their MLB World Series championships.  For the Leafs Dougie Gilmour notched 127 points (8th in the league) and led them deep into the playoffs while Pat Burns was named Coach of the Year.  Despite Montreal (48-30-6) having had a better regular season record than Toronto (44-29-11) the Leafs owned the Habs all season long winning all but one game.  44 wins was a franchise record for the Leafs.  Toronto could have beaten Montreal in best of 7 game series.

Felix Potvin had the best goals against average (2.50) while Montreal’s Patrick Roy finished 9th (3.20) in the league, Potvin posted a record of 25-15-7 record with 2 shutouts and a .910 save percentage. In 31 games with Toronto Dave Andreychuck scored 25 goals and 13 assists.  Rookie Nicolai Borchevsky led the team with 34 goals.  Doug Gilmour put up 35 points in the playoffs and only Wayne Gretzky scored more but had another whole series to log it.  Only four players on that Leafs team and coaching staff were not Canadian, it was one of the most magical teams in the history of the Toronto Maple Leafs…and in another dimension they defeated both Los Angelas and Montreal winning the Stanley Cup!

(When you look at the scoring numbers that 1992-1993 season you start feeling like Vesa Toskala numbers in 2009-2010 make him a victim of circumstance for in the old days goalies routinely finished with a GAA above 3.00).

The Leafs defeated Detroit and St.Louis to advance on to the Conference finals versus the LA Kings.  The Kings had beaten Calgary and Vancouver before taking the Leafs out in 7 games.  It was through the power of Satan that the LA Kings went about defeating Canadian teams ruining the hopes and dreams of many good northerners whose only joy in life remains the hope that the Cup will come home where it belongs.  In that season Gretzky didn’t even crack the top 10 in scoring and goalie Kelly Hrudey was nowhere to be found ammong league leaders, yet somehow the dark one took them through two Canadian teams to face off against the Leafs.  The LA Kings really had no business in the Stanley Cup finals that year, this is how I know that Satan made the arrangement possible.

In game 1 Marty McSorley tried to destroy Doug Gilmour with an open ice hit that would kill most people, nonetheless the Leafs took game one in a dominating fashion.  This was the first sign that the LA Kings would resort to all means and all cheap shots to defeat the Maple Leafs. Wendel Clarke went after McSorley while coach Pat Burns went appoplectic towards the LA Kings coach Barry Melrose knowing that he had ordered the attack on Toronto’s captain.

After that the Leafs and Kings were neck and neck all series long, LA took a two games to one advantage but the Leafs roared back and had LA on the ropes of elimination in game 6 with a 3-2 series lead.  That was when the power of Satan not only filled the spirit of Wayne Gretzky but it also blinded referee Kerry Fraser!  Satan blinded Fraser from seeing just how low and cheap that scrawny little bugger Wayne Gretzky actually was.

It was that same season where a league wide crackdown on high sticking was put into effect, whether the infraction was intentional or not.  Somehow though when Wayne Gretzky struck and cut Doug Gilmour no whistles were blown.

That was during overtime of game six. Gretzky high-sticked Gilmour, drawing blood, without being assessed a penalty by the referee, Kerry Fraser, and then scored the winning goal moments later to stave off elimination when he should have been sitting in the penalty box for 4 minutes.  After stealing that game in a criminal matter Gretzky went on to play one of the best games in his career (due to the power of Satan).  During game seven back at Maple Leaf Gardens, the Leafs were trailing 5–3 after Gretzky completed his hat-trick. The Maple Leafs scored one goal late in the game but still couldn’t find the equalizer.  The Kings beat the Leafs out which sent the Kings to the finals.

The 1992-93 season surely was a bizarre one and one of the greatest seasons in all fashions.  It was the last time a Canadian team won a Stanley Cup.  That was the year Ottawa and San Jose joined the league.  Ottawa lost 38 road games in a row winning only one match away from home.  Manon Rheume became the first woman to ever play in an NHL exhibition game while playing for the Sharks who lost 38 games at home in the regular season.  The Sharks set a record by losing 17 straight games while the Pittsburgh Penguins set an NHL record by winning 17 straight games.  The Penguins also had four players who put up over 100 points, another NHL record.  Calgary scored 3 goals in the first 53 seconds of a game on February 10th.  Thirty NHL games were played in cities that have no franchises.  Mike Gartner put up his 14th season with 30 or more goals.  Luc Robitaille scored 63 goals to lead all left wingers all time while rookie Teemu Selanne put up 76 goals, something no other rookie had ever done.  Joe Juneau 70 assists as rookie was also a record.   28 playoff games went to overtime.  The instigator penalty was created.  Only 68 shutouts were put up during the regular season while 14 players had more than 50 goals and 21 players had more than 100 points.

Everything about that 1992-1993 was unusual.  It should have been the Leafs year to win the Cup, they were so close.  Only the power of Satan and the hands of Wayne Gretzky stopped them.  There may never be another season like that one in the history of hockey again.

About joeyonly

Dr.Joey Only will knock you out...and do it with country music!!! HIYAAAAAA!! View all posts by joeyonly

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